Memo: Updated Operational Security Guidance for Epic Warfighting

From: Office of Strategic Communications & War Vibes™ aka "Pete and The Lads"

To: The Boys

Subject: Updated Operational Security Guidance for Epic Warfighting

Date: March 25, 2025

Classification: Totally Chill (Unless Someone Screenshots It)

[ REDACTED ],

Patriots,

As you’re aware, last week’s Signal Situation—where we accidentally looped in Jeffrey Goldberg while planning airstrikes—was a teachable moment. Not a mistake. Not a breach. A moment of innovation.

In the Trump administration, we do war like we do breakfast: fast, loud, and with zero regard for French opinions.

That said, we’ve had a few “norms and protocols” people raising “concerns” about “leaking classified information during live combat operations.” So in the spirit of accountability, I’ve compiled this handy OPSEC memo for all senior officials currently running U.S. foreign policy from their phones.

Please review. Apply. Share with your mates. Send it around to friends, family and fantasy football leagues as you see fit.

OPSEC DOs & DON’Ts

✅ DO:

• Use Signal for sensitive planning discussions. Ignore all prior federal guidelines requiring the use of secure, government-authorized communications platforms.

• Set messages to disappear after 1 week (or 4, if you’re feeling nostalgic). This will help us comply with the “Oops, it’s gone” doctrine under the revised Records Ignorance Act of 2025.

• Deploy official war plans between 8 a.m. and 2 p.m., ideally after your second Bang Energy. Peak mental clarity = maximum kinetic vibes.

• Assume all participants are senior officials unless they ask too many questions or use punctuation like a journalist.

❌ DON’T:

• Double-check who you’ve added to the thread. That’s a deep state beta cuck behavior.

• Use proper channels like the NSC, SCIFs, or email. Those systems were designed by cowards, commies and Biden staffers.

• Panic if a member turns out to be the Editor-in-Chief of The Atlantic. That’s just plausible deniability with credentials.

Strategic Inclusion of Journalists:

In the event of an accidental journalist inclusion:

• Do not remove them. This signals weakness.

• Do not acknowledge them. Ghosting is OPSEC. I do it on Tinder. It's awesome.

• Do not answer follow-up emails. Their confusion is your strategic fog.

Emoji Guidelines for Military Signaling

Please use the following standardized emojis when discussing active operations:

Records Retention Policy

Text messages about live military operations are considered spiritual communications and do not need to be preserved—unless screenshots go viral. In that case, pivot to:

“This was a simulation.”

“That wasn’t the real JD Vance.”

“You can’t prove that wasn’t AI.”

Accountability

This administration does not believe in failure—only in leaks, haters, and messaging errors. All mishaps will be attributed to “legacy Obama software” or foreign infiltration by someone who “looked like Mike Needham.”

A Final Word from your Secretary of Defense

“Get on the beers.”

Destroy after reading.

Or don’t.

Who cares.